Graduate-student folklore

Theory is when one knows everything but nothing works. Practice is when everything works but nobody knows why. In our lab, theory and practice go hand in hand: nothing works and nobody knows why.

Atoms Converse

Atom #1: I have lost an electron! Atom #2: Are you sure? Atom #1: I am positive.

At a PhD Defense

One of the examiners addresses the PhD candidate: My dear colleague, there are many new and accurate statements in your thesis. Unfortunately, those which are accurate are not new, and those which are new are not accurate.

Tenure

A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal. At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!" Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"

Heisenberg's Principle of Uncertainty

Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Doppler Effect

Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Cross Products

Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape? Answer: Elephant grape sine theta.

Convergence

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said, "Never." The physicist said, "In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said, "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

Fire

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are all staying at a hotel. In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up to find that his trashcan is on fire. He runs to the sink, fills his ice bucket with water and douses the flames. Then, just to be sure, he runs back to the sink, refills the bucket and dumps more water into the trashcan. With the fire out, he goes back to sleep. A little while later, the trashcan in the physicist's room spontaneously breaks into flame, waking the physicist. He whips out his slide rule, does some calculations, then runs to the sink, fills his bucket with exactly 0.75 liters of water, and douses the flames. Having put out the fire, he goes back to sleep. A few minutes later, the mathematician wakes up to see that his trashcan is on fire. He whips out a piece of paper, scrawls out some equations, then goes back to sleep, comfortable that a solution exists. Meanwhile, the statistician is running from room to room lighting trashcans on fire - he needed more samples.